A year ago, I was having a conversation with a lady who was wondering why she had experienced difficulties and tumultuous times in her relationships. She wanted to trace her family history to see what the relationships of her relatives had been like. She said even the Bible says, “The fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children’s teeth have been said on edge.” I asked her if she had also read in the same scripture that that was no longer to the said. She was going to run on one leg instead of two. The train must run on both tracks to be sustained. The union called marriage is where we, as individuals who subscribe to marriage, nurture the next generation.
A young woman made a statement that offended me. She had reached the conclusion that marriages of today are low-incentive. A 16-year-old asked me if marriage is necessary today. What would occasion a 16-year-old soliloquizing if marriage is necessary? We must show why marriage is necessary and that would be a godly legacy to leave behind. Hebrews 13 does not only say marriage should be honored by the married; it says all—including all, excluding none. So, all should honor marriage. The tragedy is that a lot of young men and women are rehearsing divorce even before they get married because the very things that prevent divorce are the things they are repudiating and one of them is trust. If the young girl finds her father in bed with her mother’s best friend, she will ask if marriage is necessary. By the grace of God, I just celebrated 30 years of working with the youth. And by the grace of God I will be clocking 50 soon so I am not a boy. We are going to discuss the subject of leaving a godly legacy, starting from the home.
Read 1 Kings 2.1-12.
This is a sobering passage to come across in scripture. This was a father described as after God’s own heart; revered and admired by the Hebrews. Today we know about the root of David and the legacy he left behind. This man was to die and join his forebears. He then calls his son Solomon saying, “There is unfinished business; there are some conquests you must carry out; there are some things I had to do but couldn’t do.” Now look at the kinds of statements David was making. You can hear a man filled with pain, bitterness; aggrieved, hurting, and reeling under the weight of a burden. I see a lot of young men and women fighting their fathers’ battles and prosecuting their mothers’ unfinished agendas. That is because they have a legacy just like Naboth had.
Naboth inherited a land and It happened to be next to Ahab’s house. Ahab went and asked for it to turn it into a garden. Naboth refused. Ahab went home to his wife and, as usual, Jezebel his wife said “Bring it on. Fire for fire.” Some wives are like that, so they have fire and brimstone at home. Others have an acidic tongue while others have a caustic tongue. Some have it full of laser, slashing their husbands, and describing them from the crown of their heads to the soles of their feet—and they think that is empowerment.
We need women full of grace and the Spirit of God whose words are seasoned with salt. We also need men who can give women sound sleep. It is a nightmare to see someone asleep but with eyes open. There are many men who cannot be predicted and yet are with women. Some say, “I am incurably flirtatious.” If you are like that may the Holy Spirit touch you right now. A man of grace practices fidelity. He is faithful and his word is a sure bond. There are some who promise heaven and deliver hell. There is a crisis among men in this generation. I went to a shop and had a conversation with a lady, and she assumed I was interested in her. I told her I was a happily married and faithful man. There are too many men suffering from a psychological condition called pampanaa. A young man approached me with some questions and I told him about my own struggle with my sexuality and how by 30 I was still a virgin. This was not because I lacked opportunity. Rather, it was a few things that kept me pure. One of these things is grace of God and an another is common sense. The young man said, “You shook my brains out. During my undergrad I slept with so many students; and now, I have decided to switch to the foreigners.”
Pampanaa is a game played with a toy gun. Over the years I have worked with human beings, I have seen some men suffering from pampanaa syndrome. Anytime they see a woman, lady or what they call “baby” they want to have her. I’ve seen it in offices, on campuses, in the marketplaces and, sadly, I’ve seen it in the church. He sees a lady and then he fires. Men are driven by a sense of conquest and a desire for variety. Some see girls and can’t control themselves. One of the girls I am mentoring went to an office and met a stenographer. The stenographer told this lady and others who had recently come to the office, “Young ladies, you are my daughters. There are some three men in that office over there; be careful with them.” This was because those men, though married, slept with every young lady who came to the office and discussed it as sport. But Proverbs 6.32-33 says,
But a man who commits adultery has no sense;
whoever does so destroys himself.
Blows and disgrace are his lot,
and his shame will never be wiped away. (NIV)
So if anybody invites you for an adulterous escapade, it is no fun. Whether you are a guy or a girl it’s no excuse. Faithful men are still available and so are faithful women. Some girls have become like vacuum cleaners clearing anything that comes their way. Some are looking for married men to sleep with—sweet-talking them to sleep. They use Delilah therapy. They put them on their laps and run their acrylic induced fingers through their heads and then the men are entranced. If you are a married woman, give your husband a Delilah treat today.
Lamentations 5.7 says,
Our ancestors sinned and are no more, and we bear their punishment. (NIV)
Ezekiel 18.1-2 says,
The word of the Lord came to me: “What do you people mean by quoting this proverb about the land of Israel: “‘The parents eat sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge’? (NIV)
Jeremiah 31.28-29 says,
Just as I watched over them to uproot and tear down, and to overthrow, destroy and bring disaster, so I will watch over them to build and to plant,” declares the Lord. “In those days people will no longer say, ‘The parents have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.’
We want to leave a godly legacy and the home is the starting point. It should no longer be a torture chamber. In some homes it is a taboo to smile. I pray each of us learns to give a toothpaste smile. In some homes fathers can’t play with children and mothers can’t play with the father; the woman is always looking crestfallen. I recall those days when my father was not born again and he used to say he wouldn’t attend a church he was older than, not to talk of his son having a wedding in such a church. But he attended my wedding and his encounter with Mama Eunice changed his life forever. He said he had never met such an old person whose mind was so sharp. My father would stand before us and roar. At times he would have us ride on his back like a horse. All this was to have fun with us.
Today fathers don’t do that with their children but when you win the accolades of the world you have to take them home. Who is going to rally the family around to celebrate? When Obama was president, he held a meeting with fathers in the White House and said something that has stayed with me since I heart it. He said the vacuum created in his heart by the absence of his father was yet to be filled by society. Some fathers have been too long gone; we have been absent for too long. I was in Achimota at a conference organized by a lady who is trying to groom young men, teaching them manners and other grooming—how to tie a knot, and so on—things their fathers should have taught them. Chatting with these young men, I was wondering what kind of men would date my daughters. Who is raising them and what are their values? If they are being raised by Shatta Wale and Stoneboy we need to bow our heads in shame. Even in the church people have become loyalists of Shatta Wale and Stoneboy. Somebody has to tell us we have got it wrong.
We’ve got to exchange something on the cross. Somebody said orgasm has rendered our longing for the cross redundant. Girls want perpetual orgasm and boys wans perpetual erection. There is no longing for the cross anymore. The boys were recounting their experience with depression; boy after boy, and I said “God! Something is missing.” Anytime I go to the shopping mall I sit in the corner observing. When you observe them you see there is a crisis at home. Some of them come from homes where they are chauffeured to school but they dress and their pants are down and the girls dress showing their breasts. Fathers, go back home. You must be felt at home.
Yesterday I was telling a pastor I met at Ho, “If your wife calls you Pastor you are dead; or Wogyafo and Ogyam.” My wife should not call me Elder. A young woman said, “They took my father and gave me an apostle.” The father relationship was gone. How are you relating with your own children? They should run to you when you get home. Some women are hawks so their own husbands cannot relate to them. They have become too powerful so their husbands are hiding. The more spiritual you are, the more romantic you should be because to the pure all things are pure.
I see some men, when they are wooing the women they would open doors and be courteous but when they marry it is completely different because they have a new thought that they are the head. That is what Jesus warned his disciples about. He said the people of the world lord it over each other but in this kingdom the greatest among you must serve.
There are some women who have this mindset that, “My money is my money; your money is our money.” How are you helping your husband? May your daughter see you as a helpmeet for your husband. If you don’t develop love for your wife, it will die. Feelings are for dating and courtship. The moment your marry it is about commitment. Feelings cannot hold the marriage because once you enter, a new order has come. Love is not a spontaneous occurrence. The moment you marry, it is called welcome to realities. One person I met on campus said, “For the first time I looked at his face and wondered why I married him.”
There are three phases you must go through: the blissful phase, the blistering phase, and the blessed phase.
The moment you marry you go to the blisters stage where marriage now cuts some things to size. For instance if you never anticipated they would snore this may be a shock to deal with.
If we can build trust and communicate our location our spouses would have no need to search for us. Blisters would also mean some people have to leave your life. That can be a painful process. On this earth nobody has the status of your spouse, including your father and mother. That is why Jesus requires of us to leave father and mother and be united as one flesh. If you love yourself, you have to love your wife and when you love your wife you love yourself. Some women are struggling with the issue of submission because it is not a theory—it is a divine instruction so you need the Spirit, the grace, and the word of God. They think submission is subservience or servitude but it is an honorable place to be because the power of the woman is in her power to submit. Some people don’t like this message because that is not what you hear on Facebook or social media.
There is a big difference between being a celebrity and being a royal priest. Some of us just want the applause of people. I was in a shop where they were buying T-shirts for a bridal shower. If you are a single person listen: Wedding is a one-day event. I was at Christ Embassy it was 45 minutes and, at Christ Temple, 30 minutes. We have 2 hours and we have to make the case to cut it down. The solemnity is missing. If marriage has not schooled you yet then you are not in marriage.
Marriage is different from dating and courtship.
Basic relational psychology is that people show you what they want you to see; the rest you must discover. A lady went to court saying a man had deceived her because the image she saw on social media was not the real one. So young men who like long hair and go by what they see on social media, when you marry her and run your fingers through her hair, that is when you will see that all that glitters is not gold. Better adjust to reality. Marriage is a divine institution. That is why it takes you from blisters to the blessed zone.
Some have made a monster of dating. There are two types of dating: Debasing activities through exploitation or divine appointment to edify. Sometimes when you go to a wedding and the pastor says now you may kiss the bride and you see them kissing you know they are experienced. Unfortunately, some churches have introduced prenuptial kissing and it is such an eyesore. Ask those teaching those things to show us why they are doing that. My marriage counselor, Suzy Lamptey, says kissing is permission to headquarters for admission to the manufacturing plant. That is why nobody kisses with their hands behind them. And they say it is a holy kiss. Let us first define holiness before we come to kissing. We should live in holiness. May you go and leave a good legacy at home by setting an example for your children.
Main reference
1 Kings 2.1-12